Posts Tagged Lies I Made Up

Lies I Made Up. III -Radical Warren

28 April 2012
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In 1851, Twain Markleson  said; “There are lies, damn lies, and anecdotes”.   Shortly after hearing this,  a young Samuel Langhorne Clemens drowned him.   He didn’t understand that before the age if instantaneous mass media you could get away with paraphrasing without much risk of someone calling bullshit on you.  Luckily for him, he also lived before the concept of DNA, so murder was equally easy to get away with.  So much so that SLC chose a pen name that flaunted his crime of intellectual theft inspired river murder.

This point of all of this is that lies are interesting. That statement was true, and thusly boring.  Read ahead for things less so on both accounts.

-Radical Warren


 

 

  • Cheers was a revolutionary show for a lot of reasons: It tackled homosexuality, group mentality, arrested development, violence towards woman, class warfare, divorce, unwed pregnancy and alcoholism in just the first season alone. But the only reason it ever got picked up for a second season, and thusly every season the came after, was it’s innovative pretense: The entire show was the hallucination in the mind of George Wendt as he lay impaled on his own steering wheel with his last day, the pilot episode, playing out into the future.  Each episode a blink of his eye, the logical progression of a man who did not live, but rather watched life live itself.  The entire Cheers catalog were the imaginings of a drunk mind winking out existence. A live ended vicariously through e invented stories of acquaintances who would become loved ones of fantasy.  A world where his lost wife Vira, a simplification for the Latin word for truth, is still alive.  But he can not go back to her because to face her would be to face the truth that these people that have comforted his fading existence, which slips away sliding from Coach to Woody and Diane to Rebecca, are no more than the phantoms they truly are.  One can not unwatch Cheers.

 

  • If you are speeding and you see a police car, you can fool the radar by throwing your car into reverse.  The cops don’t want you to know.

 

  • Cats can’t smell peanut-butter. If you can find a real life application for this fact, the government will give you four thousand dollars.

 

  • George Washington was terrified of roller-coasters.  They hadn’t been invented yet in his lifetime, but his precognitive visions of Six Flags gave him the willies.  When asked to create our nation’s flag, Betsy Ross coincidentally submitted a package of six prototypes. Washington’s reaction to this was the unannounced delivery of a brutal palm strike to her celiac plexus followed his busting through the unopened door of her Philadelphia home. In her memoirs she ends her description of this insane encounter by stating that that was the day she knew he would be the man who would free them.

 

  • Owls are not real. Have you ever seen one? Liar.

 

  • You don’t really need to patent anything. You just have to be the first to tell the mayor you invented it. He’ll back you up… or she.

 

  • Cats love fire.

 

  • In 1973, the postal system nearly collapsed when Labor Union negotiations reached an impasse. A secret compromise was made. Then President Richard Nixon convinced the Post Office to disband it’s avian delivery service and retire all of it’s Postal Falcons without benefits.   In exchange for this self betrayal they were permitted to wear short pants on hot days.  Benjamin Franklin would have wept.

 

Lies I Made Up. II -Radical Warren

29 February 2012
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Who wants to hear some more lies? Since I’m sitting alone watching cartoons and there is no one to answer me I’ll just assume, that if you bothered to read this intro, you’re in it to win it. (by “win”, I mean “read”)

-Radical Warren


 

 

  • If you meet George Lucas in person and show him a Droid smartphone he will sign it and give you two dollars.

 

  • As a matter of principle, if asked, muggers are obliged to engage you engage you in fair combat for the return of your possessions. If you win you can also request any money he has on him, assuming he didn’t declare “no mug-backs”.

 

  • Badgers, though vicious, can not attack nor defend themselves while maintaining an erection. After this was discovered, the badger population was so devastated that it King Charles Stuart felt it necessary to decree that any killing of a male badger would be punishable by death. This is believed to be the fist known account of the protection of a species in order to stave off extinction. The decision was widely unpopular, as men’s hats made of English badger had become widely popular among french nobility. While it was acknowledged posthumously as the morally correct thing to do, France invaded England clamming that the affront was an attack tantamount to hostile embargo. King Charley was revered by his people, and remembered as King Charles the Martyr, for being willing to sacrifice there lives to protect a creature not capable of protecting itself. He was executed in the year of our lord 1649.

 

  • In the early days of US maritime culture, subordinates on a ship were encouraged and rewarded to question the authority of there superiors in order to cement the magnanimity and infallibility of leadership and stave off mutiny. The naval tradition has persisted in the form “honorable ascension”, a means of promotion within the ranks of the navy acquired by physically attacking a superior officer. Regardless of the station of the officer being assaulted, the attacker is promoted a single full rank towards, but not including, the rank of his victim. For example, if you wish to be promoted, you must violently dominate someone at least two stations above you in order to ascend to the rank below theirs. If a subordinate tries to get the drop on another mariner who is only one rank the ship-man’s better, as is often the case, the first combatant will not be promoted as the highest rank he can possibly acquire through pugilism is the one he already holds. As of the mid 20th century however, crewman have been permitted to “bank” one such attack in order to use later to circumvent any unrelated demotion. Assaults are non-transferable and, for clerical reasons, cannot be taken advantage of more than once per calender year. To become an admiral, you must fight both the President and Vice-President of the United States at the same time.

 

  • Just like in Highlander,When Ringo Starr passes away, Paul McCartney will wield the full power of all four Beatles combined. Also, Alec Baldwin will graduate from “Mr.” to “Mega” Conductor.

 

  • Using a bread maker is like hiring a prostitute. It means that all you care about getting the job done on it’s most base level and you’ve given up on doing it the right and decent way. Also, they’ll give you the clap.

 

  • “(x) takes their coffee way too seriously, which is weird because it’s not even that great. Give me (y) coffee any day.”

x = a city you have an opinion about.
y = doesn’t matter. I stopped listening to you because I don’t care.

 

  • Scientists have proven that starting every day off with a quick bottle of wine can improve your mental calm. Mostly because you won’t be able to go to work.

 

  • On this day Martin Luther nailed a proclamation to the door of his local church. Not his call for reformation, an ad for his improv group. We know from accounts that it was not well received. It was widely considered too religious to be funny and super racist, even for the time. The name of his troop has been lost to history, probably because it was some horrible German pun.

 

  • On this day in 1901 Thomas Edison tragically perished in a zeppelin duel with Nikola Tesla. Thankfully Edison had previously employed the services of a look alike to pose as him to fool the assassins sent by Alexander Graham Bell. He was a homeless veteran, found on the streets of New Orleans. One General Brigadoon P. Electric. No explanation was ever found for his matching birthmark or the locket.

 

  • If vampires exist in society’s shadows, they would understandably take the opportunity to overthrow us during the confusion of a zombie uproar situation. Zs and Vs share a common food source, and the Draculas would need to establish dominance over there chattel to ensure survival. Just saying, if corpses start walking, keep your head on a swivel. They may not be the only undead out there.

P.S. Zombie Vampires who are Zombies who only feed on Vampires are our only hope.

P.P.S. Frankensteins.

Lies I Made Up. -Radical Warren

24 February 2012
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Not to brag, but I’m kinda known for my lying.  I wouldn’t say that I’m actually a liar, but my sense of humor  doesn’t lend to constantly qualifying every exaggeration with “just kidding”. Although, it is kinda fun to say that sometimes when it’s blatantly obvious; “Abe Lincoln invented slavery  in order to divide the country and get himself elected… just kidding”.

The problem is, when I’m speaking about something that might be considered esoteric, I am sometimes believed, or at least thought a liar or an imbecile.   Absurdity is at it’s best when grounded by reasonability.  I used to post these lies to facebook, until people began telling me in private that they had believed me on one or two and they now can no longer trust my wolf crying. Still, when am I ever going to need to cry wolf for real?

So here are a few of my lies for you to enjoy. I have couched them with the title “Lies I Made Up” to settle the fears of even the most gullible.  That said, feel free to throw them around at work or whatever to screw with people.

-Radical Warren (not my real name)


 

  • Thanks to a loophole accidentally created by the Earl Warren court, it is not illegal to preform surgery without a license as long as everyone involved signs a contract, it is videotaped, all parties are being paid at least one dollar and they file a 1099.

 

  • Don’t forget, tomorrow is “post an erroneous suicide note as your facebook status, then stay offline for the rest of the day and ignore calls from your mom” day.

 

  • Anyone else remember the episode of Blossom where Six got pregnant and tried to give herself a miscarriage but breaks her leg and at the hospital she finds out she just had a bunch of ovarian cysts? I can’t find it on youtube. Joey tells her she should ride a bike down some stairs. Then they cut to her hopping into Blossom’s living holding a bent wheel. She makes a super weird joke about being disappointed when she didn’t pee blood. I think it was a reference to the movie RAD or something.


  • I would have filed that particular episode under “very special”. It had a very different tone compared to the others. I think they made us watch it in junior high that year when the health teacher and the principal were escorted out in the middle of the day and reappointed to separate schools of the district.

 

  • When getting pulled over for speeding in Massachusetts, if you say “thank you” to the cop and he doesn’t say “you’re welcome”, you don’t have to pay the ticket.

 

  • Family Ties was originally pitched as an overt episodic modernization of Chekhov’s Cherry Orchard, but the plot was dumbed down after Michael J. Fox revealed he could not grow a beard.

 

  • A skunk can’t spray you if you charge it.

 

  • If you drink black cherry powered drink mix made with salt instead of sugar you will sweat pink.

 

  • In Canada, lawyers cannot own property. Also, they call them barristers and they are never permitted to wear short pants in public.

 

  • In the 13th century, apples were considered immoral because the looked exactly like the supple rear end of a woman. Not a young woman, but one who looks young for her age and walks up stairs often. After a systematic eradication of trees bearing particularly distracting fruit, apples no longer resemble plump buttocks. Also, they don’t cure cancer anymore.