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Lies I Made Up. III -Radical Warren

28 April 2012

In 1851, Twain Markleson  said; “There are lies, damn lies, and anecdotes”.   Shortly after hearing this,  a young Samuel Langhorne Clemens drowned him.   He didn’t understand that before the age if instantaneous mass media you could get away with paraphrasing without much risk of someone calling bullshit on you.  Luckily for him, he also lived before the concept of DNA, so murder was equally easy to get away with.  So much so that SLC chose a pen name that flaunted his crime of intellectual theft inspired river murder.

This point of all of this is that lies are interesting. That statement was true, and thusly boring.  Read ahead for things less so on both accounts.

-Radical Warren



  • Cheers was a revolutionary show for a lot of reasons: It tackled homosexuality, group mentality, arrested development, violence towards woman, class warfare, divorce, unwed pregnancy and alcoholism in just the first season alone. But the only reason it ever got picked up for a second season, and thusly every season the came after, was it’s innovative pretense: The entire show was the hallucination in the mind of George Wendt as he lay impaled on his own steering wheel with his last day, the pilot episode, playing out into the future.  Each episode a blink of his eye, the logical progression of a man who did not live, but rather watched life live itself.  The entire Cheers catalog were the imaginings of a drunk mind winking out existence. A live ended vicariously through e invented stories of acquaintances who would become loved ones of fantasy.  A world where his lost wife Vira, a simplification for the Latin word for truth, is still alive.  But he can not go back to her because to face her would be to face the truth that these people that have comforted his fading existence, which slips away sliding from Coach to Woody and Diane to Rebecca, are no more than the phantoms they truly are.  One can not unwatch Cheers.


  • If you are speeding and you see a police car, you can fool the radar by throwing your car into reverse.  The cops don’t want you to know.


  • Cats can’t smell peanut-butter. If you can find a real life application for this fact, the government will give you four thousand dollars.


  • George Washington was terrified of roller-coasters.  They hadn’t been invented yet in his lifetime, but his precognitive visions of Six Flags gave him the willies.  When asked to create our nation’s flag, Betsy Ross coincidentally submitted a package of six prototypes. Washington’s reaction to this was the unannounced delivery of a brutal palm strike to her celiac plexus followed his busting through the unopened door of her Philadelphia home. In her memoirs she ends her description of this insane encounter by stating that that was the day she knew he would be the man who would free them.


  • Owls are not real. Have you ever seen one? Liar.


  • You don’t really need to patent anything. You just have to be the first to tell the mayor you invented it. He’ll back you up… or she.


  • Cats love fire.


  • In 1973, the postal system nearly collapsed when Labor Union negotiations reached an impasse. A secret compromise was made. Then President Richard Nixon convinced the Post Office to disband it’s avian delivery service and retire all of it’s Postal Falcons without benefits.   In exchange for this self betrayal they were permitted to wear short pants on hot days.  Benjamin Franklin would have wept.