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Lies I Made Up. II -Radical Warren

29 February 2012

Who wants to hear some more lies? Since I’m sitting alone watching cartoons and there is no one to answer me I’ll just assume, that if you bothered to read this intro, you’re in it to win it. (by “win”, I mean “read”)

-Radical Warren



  • If you meet George Lucas in person and show him a Droid smartphone he will sign it and give you two dollars.


  • As a matter of principle, if asked, muggers are obliged to engage you engage you in fair combat for the return of your possessions. If you win you can also request any money he has on him, assuming he didn’t declare “no mug-backs”.


  • Badgers, though vicious, can not attack nor defend themselves while maintaining an erection. After this was discovered, the badger population was so devastated that it King Charles Stuart felt it necessary to decree that any killing of a male badger would be punishable by death. This is believed to be the fist known account of the protection of a species in order to stave off extinction. The decision was widely unpopular, as men’s hats made of English badger had become widely popular among french nobility. While it was acknowledged posthumously as the morally correct thing to do, France invaded England clamming that the affront was an attack tantamount to hostile embargo. King Charley was revered by his people, and remembered as King Charles the Martyr, for being willing to sacrifice there lives to protect a creature not capable of protecting itself. He was executed in the year of our lord 1649.


  • In the early days of US maritime culture, subordinates on a ship were encouraged and rewarded to question the authority of there superiors in order to cement the magnanimity and infallibility of leadership and stave off mutiny. The naval tradition has persisted in the form “honorable ascension”, a means of promotion within the ranks of the navy acquired by physically attacking a superior officer. Regardless of the station of the officer being assaulted, the attacker is promoted a single full rank towards, but not including, the rank of his victim. For example, if you wish to be promoted, you must violently dominate someone at least two stations above you in order to ascend to the rank below theirs. If a subordinate tries to get the drop on another mariner who is only one rank the ship-man’s better, as is often the case, the first combatant will not be promoted as the highest rank he can possibly acquire through pugilism is the one he already holds. As of the mid 20th century however, crewman have been permitted to “bank” one such attack in order to use later to circumvent any unrelated demotion. Assaults are non-transferable and, for clerical reasons, cannot be taken advantage of more than once per calender year. To become an admiral, you must fight both the President and Vice-President of the United States at the same time.


  • Just like in Highlander,When Ringo Starr passes away, Paul McCartney will wield the full power of all four Beatles combined. Also, Alec Baldwin will graduate from “Mr.” to “Mega” Conductor.


  • Using a bread maker is like hiring a prostitute. It means that all you care about getting the job done on it’s most base level and you’ve given up on doing it the right and decent way. Also, they’ll give you the clap.


  • “(x) takes their coffee way too seriously, which is weird because it’s not even that great. Give me (y) coffee any day.”

x = a city you have an opinion about.
y = doesn’t matter. I stopped listening to you because I don’t care.


  • Scientists have proven that starting every day off with a quick bottle of wine can improve your mental calm. Mostly because you won’t be able to go to work.


  • On this day Martin Luther nailed a proclamation to the door of his local church. Not his call for reformation, an ad for his improv group. We know from accounts that it was not well received. It was widely considered too religious to be funny and super racist, even for the time. The name of his troop has been lost to history, probably because it was some horrible German pun.


  • On this day in 1901 Thomas Edison tragically perished in a zeppelin duel with Nikola Tesla. Thankfully Edison had previously employed the services of a look alike to pose as him to fool the assassins sent by Alexander Graham Bell. He was a homeless veteran, found on the streets of New Orleans. One General Brigadoon P. Electric. No explanation was ever found for his matching birthmark or the locket.


  • If vampires exist in society’s shadows, they would understandably take the opportunity to overthrow us during the confusion of a zombie uproar situation. Zs and Vs share a common food source, and the Draculas would need to establish dominance over there chattel to ensure survival. Just saying, if corpses start walking, keep your head on a swivel. They may not be the only undead out there.

P.S. Zombie Vampires who are Zombies who only feed on Vampires are our only hope.

P.P.S. Frankensteins.