Not to brag, but I’m kinda known for my lying. I wouldn’t say that I’m actually a liar, but my sense of humor doesn’t lend to constantly qualifying every exaggeration with “just kidding”. Although, it is kinda fun to say that sometimes when it’s blatantly obvious; “Abe Lincoln invented slavery in order to divide the country and get himself elected… just kidding”.
The problem is, when I’m speaking about something that might be considered esoteric, I am sometimes believed, or at least thought a liar or an imbecile. Absurdity is at it’s best when grounded by reasonability. I used to post these lies to facebook, until people began telling me in private that they had believed me on one or two and they now can no longer trust my wolf crying. Still, when am I ever going to need to cry wolf for real?
So here are a few of my lies for you to enjoy. I have couched them with the title “Lies I Made Up” to settle the fears of even the most gullible. That said, feel free to throw them around at work or whatever to screw with people.
-Radical Warren (not my real name)
- Thanks to a loophole accidentally created by the Earl Warren court, it is not illegal to preform surgery without a license as long as everyone involved signs a contract, it is videotaped, all parties are being paid at least one dollar and they file a 1099.
- Don’t forget, tomorrow is “post an erroneous suicide note as your facebook status, then stay offline for the rest of the day and ignore calls from your mom” day.
- Anyone else remember the episode of Blossom where Six got pregnant and tried to give herself a miscarriage but breaks her leg and at the hospital she finds out she just had a bunch of ovarian cysts? I can’t find it on youtube. Joey tells her she should ride a bike down some stairs. Then they cut to her hopping into Blossom’s living holding a bent wheel. She makes a super weird joke about being disappointed when she didn’t pee blood. I think it was a reference to the movie RAD or something.
- I would have filed that particular episode under “very special”. It had a very different tone compared to the others. I think they made us watch it in junior high that year when the health teacher and the principal were escorted out in the middle of the day and reappointed to separate schools of the district.
- When getting pulled over for speeding in Massachusetts, if you say “thank you” to the cop and he doesn’t say “you’re welcome”, you don’t have to pay the ticket.
- Family Ties was originally pitched as an overt episodic modernization of Chekhov’s Cherry Orchard, but the plot was dumbed down after Michael J. Fox revealed he could not grow a beard.
- A skunk can’t spray you if you charge it.
- If you drink black cherry powered drink mix made with salt instead of sugar you will sweat pink.
- In Canada, lawyers cannot own property. Also, they call them barristers and they are never permitted to wear short pants in public.
- In the 13th century, apples were considered immoral because the looked exactly like the supple rear end of a woman. Not a young woman, but one who looks young for her age and walks up stairs often. After a systematic eradication of trees bearing particularly distracting fruit, apples no longer resemble plump buttocks. Also, they don’t cure cancer anymore.