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The Kobayashi Brew

10 February 2013
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Fans of Star Trek in it’s many iterations know the Kobayashi Maru scenario. To sum it up, the final test that Star Fleet gives it’s potential commanders is a won-win scenario. Their reasoning is that those who will potentially be making decisions that will effect the lives of a ship’s compliment and the ultimate future of the United Federation of Planets must know that failure is always an option and is sometimes unavoidable. It is not an ordeal to be overcome, but to be endured. Success in the Academy can never be confused for ability in real life situations with real life consequences. A Captain is responsible for too many lives to think they are incapable of failure. Life does not play fair, so the Kobayashi Maru doesn’t either.

Kim got a hold of a bottle of Romulan Ale, by Cerveceria La Constancia S.A., and she knew she was in trouble. No good could come of it. Visit Kim, and watch her fail.


Here we come. Walkin’ down the T.

27 September 2012
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It’s that time again!

We’re going to be at MICE!

It’s all going down on Saturday the 29th of September. Check out the jam packed schedule here.

What can you expect? Oh, I don’t know… How’s about Center for Cartoon Studies table overflowing with work from past and current students? A CCS BFF Robert Sikoryak telling you all about how comics are for smart people (but you already knew that because you’re smart)? The mighty mighty explosion that is the Boston Comics Roundtable‘s Hellbound III? And, oh yeah, ASF will have a table too. To be there or to be square? That is the question.

-Radical Warren

Lies I Made Up. III -Radical Warren

28 April 2012
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In 1851, Twain Markleson  said; “There are lies, damn lies, and anecdotes”.   Shortly after hearing this,  a young Samuel Langhorne Clemens drowned him.   He didn’t understand that before the age if instantaneous mass media you could get away with paraphrasing without much risk of someone calling bullshit on you.  Luckily for him, he also lived before the concept of DNA, so murder was equally easy to get away with.  So much so that SLC chose a pen name that flaunted his crime of intellectual theft inspired river murder.

This point of all of this is that lies are interesting. That statement was true, and thusly boring.  Read ahead for things less so on both accounts.

-Radical Warren


 

 

  • Cheers was a revolutionary show for a lot of reasons: It tackled homosexuality, group mentality, arrested development, violence towards woman, class warfare, divorce, unwed pregnancy and alcoholism in just the first season alone. But the only reason it ever got picked up for a second season, and thusly every season the came after, was it’s innovative pretense: The entire show was the hallucination in the mind of George Wendt as he lay impaled on his own steering wheel with his last day, the pilot episode, playing out into the future.  Each episode a blink of his eye, the logical progression of a man who did not live, but rather watched life live itself.  The entire Cheers catalog were the imaginings of a drunk mind winking out existence. A live ended vicariously through e invented stories of acquaintances who would become loved ones of fantasy.  A world where his lost wife Vira, a simplification for the Latin word for truth, is still alive.  But he can not go back to her because to face her would be to face the truth that these people that have comforted his fading existence, which slips away sliding from Coach to Woody and Diane to Rebecca, are no more than the phantoms they truly are.  One can not unwatch Cheers.

 

  • If you are speeding and you see a police car, you can fool the radar by throwing your car into reverse.  The cops don’t want you to know.

 

  • Cats can’t smell peanut-butter. If you can find a real life application for this fact, the government will give you four thousand dollars.

 

  • George Washington was terrified of roller-coasters.  They hadn’t been invented yet in his lifetime, but his precognitive visions of Six Flags gave him the willies.  When asked to create our nation’s flag, Betsy Ross coincidentally submitted a package of six prototypes. Washington’s reaction to this was the unannounced delivery of a brutal palm strike to her celiac plexus followed his busting through the unopened door of her Philadelphia home. In her memoirs she ends her description of this insane encounter by stating that that was the day she knew he would be the man who would free them.

 

  • Owls are not real. Have you ever seen one? Liar.

 

  • You don’t really need to patent anything. You just have to be the first to tell the mayor you invented it. He’ll back you up… or she.

 

  • Cats love fire.

 

  • In 1973, the postal system nearly collapsed when Labor Union negotiations reached an impasse. A secret compromise was made. Then President Richard Nixon convinced the Post Office to disband it’s avian delivery service and retire all of it’s Postal Falcons without benefits.   In exchange for this self betrayal they were permitted to wear short pants on hot days.  Benjamin Franklin would have wept.

 

It does a body bad.

21 April 2012
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Is Kimberly a foody?  Yes, but in the same way a wino is a connoisseur.  Obviously, the wino prefers a noble vintage, but he’ll drink Thunderbird if need be and have a good time doing it.

Here’s a good example of some assaults to Kimberly’s pallet.  She lives in a land where corner bodegas and mini-franchise markets offer “meal deals”.  Wanna know a secret? If it rhymes, it’s probably not super classy.   All of the meals she reviews and photographs defiantly fall into the category of “too good to be true”.   Have you ever had the two dollar breakfast buffet in Vegas?  Well, I’ve had it in Carson City, it has diminishing returns.  Now imagine having it at a gas station.  This is the kind of stuff Kim managed to not only dig up, but consume and document.

Check Kim out at KimWar!


Lies I Made Up. II -Radical Warren

29 February 2012
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Who wants to hear some more lies? Since I’m sitting alone watching cartoons and there is no one to answer me I’ll just assume, that if you bothered to read this intro, you’re in it to win it. (by “win”, I mean “read”)

-Radical Warren


 

 

  • If you meet George Lucas in person and show him a Droid smartphone he will sign it and give you two dollars.

 

  • As a matter of principle, if asked, muggers are obliged to engage you engage you in fair combat for the return of your possessions. If you win you can also request any money he has on him, assuming he didn’t declare “no mug-backs”.

 

  • Badgers, though vicious, can not attack nor defend themselves while maintaining an erection. After this was discovered, the badger population was so devastated that it King Charles Stuart felt it necessary to decree that any killing of a male badger would be punishable by death. This is believed to be the fist known account of the protection of a species in order to stave off extinction. The decision was widely unpopular, as men’s hats made of English badger had become widely popular among french nobility. While it was acknowledged posthumously as the morally correct thing to do, France invaded England clamming that the affront was an attack tantamount to hostile embargo. King Charley was revered by his people, and remembered as King Charles the Martyr, for being willing to sacrifice there lives to protect a creature not capable of protecting itself. He was executed in the year of our lord 1649.

 

  • In the early days of US maritime culture, subordinates on a ship were encouraged and rewarded to question the authority of there superiors in order to cement the magnanimity and infallibility of leadership and stave off mutiny. The naval tradition has persisted in the form “honorable ascension”, a means of promotion within the ranks of the navy acquired by physically attacking a superior officer. Regardless of the station of the officer being assaulted, the attacker is promoted a single full rank towards, but not including, the rank of his victim. For example, if you wish to be promoted, you must violently dominate someone at least two stations above you in order to ascend to the rank below theirs. If a subordinate tries to get the drop on another mariner who is only one rank the ship-man’s better, as is often the case, the first combatant will not be promoted as the highest rank he can possibly acquire through pugilism is the one he already holds. As of the mid 20th century however, crewman have been permitted to “bank” one such attack in order to use later to circumvent any unrelated demotion. Assaults are non-transferable and, for clerical reasons, cannot be taken advantage of more than once per calender year. To become an admiral, you must fight both the President and Vice-President of the United States at the same time.

 

  • Just like in Highlander,When Ringo Starr passes away, Paul McCartney will wield the full power of all four Beatles combined. Also, Alec Baldwin will graduate from “Mr.” to “Mega” Conductor.

 

  • Using a bread maker is like hiring a prostitute. It means that all you care about getting the job done on it’s most base level and you’ve given up on doing it the right and decent way. Also, they’ll give you the clap.

 

  • “(x) takes their coffee way too seriously, which is weird because it’s not even that great. Give me (y) coffee any day.”

x = a city you have an opinion about.
y = doesn’t matter. I stopped listening to you because I don’t care.

 

  • Scientists have proven that starting every day off with a quick bottle of wine can improve your mental calm. Mostly because you won’t be able to go to work.

 

  • On this day Martin Luther nailed a proclamation to the door of his local church. Not his call for reformation, an ad for his improv group. We know from accounts that it was not well received. It was widely considered too religious to be funny and super racist, even for the time. The name of his troop has been lost to history, probably because it was some horrible German pun.

 

  • On this day in 1901 Thomas Edison tragically perished in a zeppelin duel with Nikola Tesla. Thankfully Edison had previously employed the services of a look alike to pose as him to fool the assassins sent by Alexander Graham Bell. He was a homeless veteran, found on the streets of New Orleans. One General Brigadoon P. Electric. No explanation was ever found for his matching birthmark or the locket.

 

  • If vampires exist in society’s shadows, they would understandably take the opportunity to overthrow us during the confusion of a zombie uproar situation. Zs and Vs share a common food source, and the Draculas would need to establish dominance over there chattel to ensure survival. Just saying, if corpses start walking, keep your head on a swivel. They may not be the only undead out there.

P.S. Zombie Vampires who are Zombies who only feed on Vampires are our only hope.

P.P.S. Frankensteins.

You say Gia Gia. I say Yia Yia. It’s all Greek to us.

24 February 2012
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Let’s get this clear, Kimberly hates the term “Californ-yiayia”. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s her guilt about not living up to her middle-name sake’s trials and tribulations. For instance: Helen Fisty came up in the depression and wore 5th hand shoes that crippled her for life, Kim signed off on student loans that would add up for more than Helen made in her entire life. Helen and her cousins once heckled Bela Lugosi, live on stage, for his ridiculous Vamperic antics until the point were he interrupted his own show to tell them to shut the fuck up, Kimberly is an improv performer and tries to recreate both sides of that on a night to night basis. Also, Helen bussed down to Atlantic City for the easy scratch, and Kim is all about the free drinks at the nickle slots.

Now that you’ve read all that, it had nothing to do with Kim’s article. Take that!

Check Kim out at KimWar!

Lies I Made Up. -Radical Warren

24 February 2012
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Not to brag, but I’m kinda known for my lying.  I wouldn’t say that I’m actually a liar, but my sense of humor  doesn’t lend to constantly qualifying every exaggeration with “just kidding”. Although, it is kinda fun to say that sometimes when it’s blatantly obvious; “Abe Lincoln invented slavery  in order to divide the country and get himself elected… just kidding”.

The problem is, when I’m speaking about something that might be considered esoteric, I am sometimes believed, or at least thought a liar or an imbecile.   Absurdity is at it’s best when grounded by reasonability.  I used to post these lies to facebook, until people began telling me in private that they had believed me on one or two and they now can no longer trust my wolf crying. Still, when am I ever going to need to cry wolf for real?

So here are a few of my lies for you to enjoy. I have couched them with the title “Lies I Made Up” to settle the fears of even the most gullible.  That said, feel free to throw them around at work or whatever to screw with people.

-Radical Warren (not my real name)


 

  • Thanks to a loophole accidentally created by the Earl Warren court, it is not illegal to preform surgery without a license as long as everyone involved signs a contract, it is videotaped, all parties are being paid at least one dollar and they file a 1099.

 

  • Don’t forget, tomorrow is “post an erroneous suicide note as your facebook status, then stay offline for the rest of the day and ignore calls from your mom” day.

 

  • Anyone else remember the episode of Blossom where Six got pregnant and tried to give herself a miscarriage but breaks her leg and at the hospital she finds out she just had a bunch of ovarian cysts? I can’t find it on youtube. Joey tells her she should ride a bike down some stairs. Then they cut to her hopping into Blossom’s living holding a bent wheel. She makes a super weird joke about being disappointed when she didn’t pee blood. I think it was a reference to the movie RAD or something.


  • I would have filed that particular episode under “very special”. It had a very different tone compared to the others. I think they made us watch it in junior high that year when the health teacher and the principal were escorted out in the middle of the day and reappointed to separate schools of the district.

 

  • When getting pulled over for speeding in Massachusetts, if you say “thank you” to the cop and he doesn’t say “you’re welcome”, you don’t have to pay the ticket.

 

  • Family Ties was originally pitched as an overt episodic modernization of Chekhov’s Cherry Orchard, but the plot was dumbed down after Michael J. Fox revealed he could not grow a beard.

 

  • A skunk can’t spray you if you charge it.

 

  • If you drink black cherry powered drink mix made with salt instead of sugar you will sweat pink.

 

  • In Canada, lawyers cannot own property. Also, they call them barristers and they are never permitted to wear short pants in public.

 

  • In the 13th century, apples were considered immoral because the looked exactly like the supple rear end of a woman. Not a young woman, but one who looks young for her age and walks up stairs often. After a systematic eradication of trees bearing particularly distracting fruit, apples no longer resemble plump buttocks. Also, they don’t cure cancer anymore.

Kim is a girl drink drunk

22 February 2012

Kimberly writes a beer blog. There, now you’re up to speed.  While she isn’t necessarily opposed to reviewing quality beer, that’s not always the focus. The fact is that most beers that are marketed to people her age in the California college town where she lives, are not  sold on quality.  Roger Ebert doesn’t just review the good movies. We need to know about the clunkers too.

Her latest offering has a “girl drink” theme. Would you assume that this is all about fruit in the glass and sugar on the rim? If so, you would assume incorrectly.

Learn all about what she thinks constitutes a girl drink in the world of three dollar six packs at KimWar!


A Word from Kimberly

14 January 2011
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Kimberly Warren


I don’t normally repost things from other peoples blogs, but this is an exception. Kimberly is my sister and I’ve asked her permission to  pass on this particular blog entry.  As for my reasons for wanting to exhibit her story on ASF?  When I was in elementary school I had gigantic coke bottle glasses, a corrective self adhesive eye patch, and a chip in my front tooth where a bully had pushed me on the ground and kicked me with both feet in the face.   Didn’t we all though?       – Radical Warren

How to Create an Awkward Little Girl

Today I met an eleven-year-old girl who was getting her first pair of glasses. Her mother told me that next week the girl is going to have braces put on. This means that, by next year, she’ll be in the seventh grade with glasses and braces. And everyone knows that the seventh grade is single cruelest thing ever created (this list goes something like, The seventh grade, Hitler, the DMV, and so on*), and I really wanted to say something to make her feel better, because the mother had gone to the trouble to tell me she was getting braces, but all I could come up with was, “I had glasses and braces at your age. If nothing else, it’ll give you a lot of material for your future comedy routine.”

Its my ability to give stellar life lessons that makes me a good optometric technician. Maybe.

*I know what you’re probably thinking. Hilter is eviler than the seventh grade. Well, you can just go right on believing that if you want, but all I’m saying is, Hitler had to endure the seventh grade. And if his seventh grade experience was anything like my seventh grade experience, it explains a lot of his lifestyle choices.

- Kimberly Warren


Poseur Ink Liquidation Sale

20 August 2010
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Rachel Dukes runs Poseur Ink, the label under which she and her boyfriend Mike fight the good fight of comics life vs. the uncaring world. They’ve had some problems lately and, well, let me let her talk:

We’ve had some family emergencies arise and Mike and I have had to sit down and take a look at our priorities. We’ve come to a few different conclusions, but the one thing we agree on is doing what’s best for our family. The first step is making spare room in our apartment and paying off our debts in case additional emergencies arise. We’re making plans to move into a three bedroom in the next few months due to this and we need to have less stuff to move with.

So we’re having a Poseur Ink Liquidation Sale.

Poseur Ink Sale

We’re not closing our doors. We’re still selling other people stuff, we’re still going to be creating new merch… but we need to take some time to be with our family and sort some stuff out. We need to take a break to better our situation.

Nearly everything in the store that was created by Poseur Ink is 50%-70% off. We have about 300 copies left of both Side A and Side B, and those need to go. (They’re only $5 and $11.99 now, respectively.) Once they’re sold, we’re not reprinting. All the older shirts are marked down to $5… this stuff is priced to move, people.

I’m also looking into getting a day job, I have some stuff up on Ebay, I’m taking commissions… all the other normal stuff is going on, but selling what we have of the Poseur Ink stock will be what helps us the most in regards to making room and moving easier.

I’ll be Tweeting, Facebooking, and the like; but if you guys can spread the word, that would be fantastic.

Thanks so much!
Rachel

I got to meet them at MoCCA 2009 (the sweatbox edition) and Rachel was the first person to ever publish me… even before I went to CCS. Plus they have some cool stuff at their site. Lets help them out, folks.

Poseur Ink at: http://www.poseurink.com/


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